#I have anxiety myself so I totally understand! I had a lot of trouble even asking one of my moots to play uno with me lmao

[plugnuts]

at the tags, I'd tell you who I am but my anxiety would go through the roof LOL. I will say I haven't sent an ask before these though- also it's so late for you?? Please sleep and sleep well

OOF. I totally understand that my guy no worries! And you haven’t sent an ask before 🤔 do you know how little that narrows it down? 🧐 (/lh) and ya that’s the uk for ya lol sleep’s for the weak

[yokiidokii]

How would the gang react to a reader who constantly says sorry ? like for every stupid thing at the end of a sentence due to being Bullied majority of their life . So now I their adulthood it’s just kinda automatic “oop I’m sorry” even when it’s not necessary

My smile is immeasurable- I do this so often you have no idea. I have absolutely been worried about not knowing if I was gonna do the request just right. This is not one of those times. I did have a surprising amount of trouble with it though? Despite it being something I myself do constantly lmao, ah well I hope I did it justice!

Also hi! I was in college so this is so very late and I’m so sorry about that <3 My prof mentally threw me around like a rag doll and I came out with my brain fried.

Warnings: I don't think any? Maybe some general allusions to anxiety just because of the prompt itself? Andre mentions weed but uh- nothing else! Relatively safe<3

Reagan

I feel like she understands, I could see her thinking of it more in a like, a logical sense? Not like she doesn’t understand the more emotional side of it- she’s got her own issues. But in the like “Oh, usually when people do this it means they are scared of what people think and don’t like conflict. I’ll keep that in mind.”

She gets it, and I want to be absolutely clear- I cannot see her being one of those people saying “It’s fine.” Because like, for her it doesn’t feel like it ever really is? But she will be the person to help you feel like, it’s okay that you said it but know that you do not have to. You didn’t do anything wrong.

If you want to tell her the reason why you do this, apologizing and explaining she will feel for you. I mean we’ve seen her school experience, we had one friend and a buncha kids who were way older than you and treated her like shit. Also her father, very much her father.

She won't ever press you or act like you aren't trying harder to get better but she'll make sure in her own way that you know it's all gonna be okay one day.

One day you won't have to think about the past and everything will be okay <3

-

Andre

Andre may or may not have told you about his experiences with his family and how they really affected him.

You have probably also- at least once maybe seen him without drugs and how that can make him.

Long story short he is in no position to judge even if he for some reason wanted to.

Would offer you some weed

He means well and will not pressure you if you say no, though he will totally ask “Are you suuuureee?” because he cannot stress enough the wonders of medical marijuana

Whether or not you take it is up to you, but he will absolutely let you chill either in his office if you're at work or at his house- would come to your house to make sure your comfy if you need it<3

He is a loving man with lots of his own experience in this kind of regard and he will help you no matter what!

He is more than the drug guy though please literally let him be known for more than that he deserves it so any tips he's used to help himself out he will give to you.

A very caring man with his own issues and lots of advice and love to give if you'll have it~

-

Brett

Oh honey, this man? This man understands.

Brett will apologize after you do because both of you think that is is somehow both of your faults.

Though he will undoubtedly let you know in every way he possibly can that it is not your fault in any way and that he loves you.

He would absolutely mention therapy- it helps him! It might help you?

He would absolutely be holding your hand anyway and if you do apologize while it happens, he’ll squeeze it in his own and shoot you a quick “No need to be!” before continuing the conversation. He doesn’t wanna spend the whole time acknowledging it just in case putting too much attention on it in the open would embarrass you or make you feel worse.

But he will be there for you, and he will be listing off things that he’s learned to help him when he can’t stop doing it either.

-

Myc

I can see Myc start by just being a little bit sarcastic. Like he isn’t entirely sure why you do it just yet, but he doesn’t want you to be saying it and thinking that you did something wrong.

He gives those like “Oh yeah? You’re sorry?” and you know that if he had actual eyes, he would be giving you a look of ‘You really wanna do this rn?’.

And he will probably continue to do so even after he knows why.

He isn’t going to treat you differently per se, at least- he acts like he isn’t going to…

But you feel the tentacle that was already wormed around your waist squeeze just a little tighter before you end your sentence to remind you that you didn’t do anything, and you don’t need to apologize. 

I mean he gets it, he got bullied. He ended with a different outcome for himself, but he still understands. It sucks, and even if you don’t want to think about it or you don’t want to constantly feel like life is repeating itself over and over again but sometimes it’s just going to feel that way even if it isn’t.

Though Myc will be there to help you understand and work through all the woes of getting to inside your own head.

-

Gigi

She would raise her brow at it at first.

Hit you with that “Honey you didn’t do anything wrong.” and make sure you know that it’s all okay.

Is teaching you how she ignores her haters constantly, if you say anything about it not being on the same level and you start apologizing again, she is going to lovingly slap you in the face with her words (She would not lay a hand on you ever-)

Comparing yourself gets a “tsk tsk” from her and a long list of all the parts about you she thinks are beyond stellar.

Gigi would be very honest -like the most honest maybe- about whether or not you actually have anything to be sorry about. 

If you do, she’ll accept your apology but try to figure out a way to do it in a way that won’t encourage you to do it when you don’t actually have to.

And when you don’t, she places a hand on her hip and gives you a look, eyebrow raised just lightly in a ‘really?’ sorry of fashion.

She’s not questioning it; she knows it happened. But she’s asking if you really wanna do it, you know that she will no doubt spend her time talking your ear off about not doing this again.

She does it with the upmost amount of love I promise- but like,,

Do you dare question her? I wouldn't

-

Glenn

Okay. I don’t want to say Glenn doesn’t get it at first, but out of all of the people in the gang it feels right to say he might take the longest to adjust and learn how to handle it.

But just because he might not get it at first doesn’t mean he’s rude!!

It’s more of a “What? Why are you saying you're sorry? You didn’t do anything?” Kinda confused-

He’s a confused ol man, forgive him.

Though, he would understand the bullying thing like 100%

He’s no stranger to rude comments or being talked to as if he has no feelings, typical bully behavior even if he wouldn’t talk about it or call them bullies, just,,, assholes?

That and the feelings that come from thinking about those comments is something he understands, and something that he can try and a headspace he will gladly try to help you out of.

[hauntedwitch04]

Secret lovers

Morpheus x Godess!Reader

Words: about 0.7k words 

Warnings: None, just fluffy 

Author’s note: Hi love! I finally wrote again after two months and it felt so good, but before I could not write because I was totally full with school and than I had a terrible flu. I wrote it as the reader is Hecate, because I love her and her power. 

Requests are open I Ask

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You can't help but smile as you see the small gift your lover has left on your throne. You take it in your hands and read the title of the book that was just left for you, as you realize that a note is hidden inside. I take it carefully and see that it is nothing but Dream's handwriting, and I can't help but smile even more like a silly little girl in love with her first crush. I read the note carefully.

"To my beloved, who has bewitched me since our first meeting with her cursed eyes, casting a spell on me from which I cannot and will not break free. I miss you, please meet me in our place when night falls. I love you.

Forever yours, your humble servant."

I clutch the letter to my chest before hiding it, hearing the throne room door open and the faithful guard speak to me.

"My Lady Hecate, the librarian of the Kingdom of Dreams requests an audience with you, to discuss a book." She says bowing, I nod hastily and wave her in.

Lucienne enters smiling as my guard leaves us alone in the room.

"Hecate, lady of magic and of all witches, it is a pleasure to see you again." She says, continuing to maintain the facade we are obliged to keep. Sogno and I have been lovers for centuries now, but because of bad relations with her family, she is afraid that if they knew that about our relationship, something might happen to me.

I run to hug her, and she merely reciprocates that gesture of affection.

"I have missed you my friend." I say while still holding her in my death grip.

"You too my dear." She replies.

"Why are you here? I just saw Sogno's message. Something didn't happen, did it?" I ask anxiously as I look into her eyes.

"No, don't worry, nothing happened. My king, however, was dying of anxiety in not knowing whether I had received his message and whether I had come this evening, so he asked me to accompany you." She says as she looks up at the sky, smiling, only to darken for a moment. "You know lately Desire has been causing him a lot of trouble, and he's just afraid for you. Every second I see him not busy with the realm, I see him pining in terror of losing you,, he's afraid it will happen as with-"

"With Calliope and Orpheus." I finish for her with the same veil of sadness. "I understand, I've been very worried lately, too. I haven't heard from her in a while."

She smiles and nods at me, before reaching out her arm to embed it in mine.

"Then I'd say it's time to go to him and end everyone's worry." I smile and nod as we leave the room and make up yet another 'excuse to get away from my lover.

The only people who know about the history between me and the dream lord are my trusted advisor Thali and Lucienne, and I can't help but be glad about that because they are two of the people I trust the most.

In a few easy steps I find myself in our favorite hangout, a beautiful flowering forest with a bench on which we often sit and chat or just quietly enjoy each other's presence.

As soon as I see his messy hair and long black coat I start running toward him, wrapping my arms tightly around my chest, while my heart can't stop beating wildly. He does the same, putting his head in the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent.

"God, how I have missed you my love." He says, and finally in that moment, in hearing his voice, I can say I feel at home again.

[starsarefire824]

I'm that anon that started your fic today and I just read chapter 6 and omg... omfg... I stayed 5 minutes staring at my screen.

The angst, the way i can understand that everyone is right and wrong at the same time?Lucas has all the right to feel hurt with Mike because it's implied that Lucas was talking to Mike about Max and how he feels about her and in Lucas POV Mike was acting behind his back and I understand Mike because he was so confused and he doesn't even know what made him and Max do that anyway. But Lucas was so wrong for the way he said those things and the fact that Mike was drunk and Mike said that disgusted thing about El and god how i loved that punch.

At this point, ngl I'm with the party in this one. While I feel sorry for Mike and understand there is a lot inside his head right now, that doesn't give him the right to hurt his friends, he needs to have more responsible regarding of the others feelings like... he knows Will loves him but keeps giving him missed signals, giving him hope without even consider what this may be doing with Will? I'm glad Will stood up for himself. I'm so mad at him right now, not because of what happened with Max but how he is acting towards everyone. Like Lucas said to him, he can't keep hurting people just because he hates himself.

And... Wtf El? If I was Nancy i would glare at her saying "I don't care how powerful you are and what you can do with it. Do something like that to my brother ever again and I will kill you myself".

Anyway im loving it, it's so good 😭

AAAAH SO glad you're liking it anon! I am so stoked you decided to try out the first couple of chapters!

And WOO BOY, lol. I totally agree! It's hard when you can kinda see where everyone is coming from, but still find some of their choices severely lacking! Lucas is right, Mike is so wrapped up in his own inner turmoil that he can't see how the way he acts hurts Will. He'd convince himself that the sky is fucking purple if it meant that he wouldn't have to look himself in the eye and accept himself for who he is. But, also, it's like....I get it Mike. He's very repressed, it's the 80s, he's very young, he's dealing with his depression and anxiety on top of it. etc etc. It's a lot. And Will, as we have learned so far, has confided in Dustin and Lucas and obviously El, but he's been pretty quiet regarding Mike. Sure, it's obvious to everyone else, but I think, without words, Mike could find any little thing to convince himself that it's all in his head. But that doesn't excuse his actions. And it DOESN'T excuse what he said at El. That had everything to do with his self-hatred and little to do with how he actual feels about her.

And El! I mean, I get it, girl, but yeah...her reaction after the punch is pretty insane. But, I feel like it's pretty canon that when El is hurt or having trouble processing her emotions, it's pretty typical for her to respond with anger, and a lot of times that ends up in slightly extreme use of her powers. I haven't really explored that part of her personality in a fic before, so I thought it would be fun/interesting to do that here. Anyway, thanks for giving it a shot, and even though Madwheeler wasn't necessarily your thing, I'm glad you're enjoying it so far! Thanks for the lovely ask and thanks for ranting to me all your thoughts! I love it so much!!!! ❤︎❤︎❤︎

[kiindr]

Hi, so I saw that you said peeps can send in rants, and I realllllllllllly would love to rant. If you did not mean this, or do not want to reply - you can delete it. I will not be offended in the slightest! No trigger warnings, only family issues (and also please don't tire/burn yourself out with this blog. Even just listening/reading about others' issues is draining).

Backstory/context:

I'm a 24 year old female, recently diagnosed with autism. Not good socially, but not terrible. I'm kinda like Katniss Everdeen tbh.

I was working as a bartender at a wedding venue. The building is owned by a well-known wine creator/seller, who leases it to my aunty so she can do weddings there (so she owns 50% of the business, the other is with a friend/chef. They've known each other for 25 years).

I have just only been diagnosed with autism (I was diagnosed multiple times beforehand, so it's been a big few weeks). I have social anxiety and if things get too much, I usually have emotional reactions - but I've learned to walk away, go somewhere and cry for a bit, calm down, dry my tears and get back in there.

I've been working there for over a year now, and last week she fired me from my bartending job, saying I'm too emotional and that "I should be happy at work, because people can tell when I'm not."

It was done over text message by my manager who says I should go to the cafe to work (so they aren't 'firing' me per say, but they are ...) However, working at the cafe I would only be filling up waters, and getting drinks (what the other owner's 16-year-old daughter does.) They also won't let me work the one wedding this weekend. I'm just flabbergasted.

I had to message my aunty to see what was going on, because they'd been completely fine with me working this position for a year. I've put up with a lot from customers. Verbal abuse (being called c*nt, a stuck-up b*tch etc) all because I won't give them alcohol, as well as nearly being physically assaulted. So I've dealt with a lot of bullcrap.

But I've also done big weekends with 4 weddings, literally only 3 weeks ago and nothing was said then? I've never had any feedback. No one taught me (except my other aunty who was in this bartending position but she was drunk all the time. And she never got in trouble, like I'm talking stealing alcohol from the venue aka my aunty who owns the business, I'm also pretty sure she was stealing from the cash register and would take things - once a groom had cigars and before they even used them, she stole one???). So, what I'm trying to say, is I was a fantastic worker. In the whole year and a month I was there, I only had 6 days off total.

I was helpful to others, kept everything on track. So I can only deduce that business owner! aunty is upset with how I interacted with customers? But I asked my coworkers and they said I was fine??? That I was great until the customers started getting rude.

There's also been a new manage/supervisor, lets call him John. He's only a few years older than me, I previously worked with him for a small time when I was 18 at a hotel. He knows alcoholic! aunty because they've worked together for years at different hotels.

My stepdad and mum, who are very very supportive of me right now, think John has a bartender friend and his trying to get them into my job?

I just don't understand. I'm family, business owner! aunty has been an integral part in my life. She's been at big events and shown that she loves me. But right now it's like she hates me?

When I messaged her, it was basically, "you get too upset. I'm too worried that you will be emotional, you're overthinking this. The bar isn't right for you, it's been an ongoing concern and it's a business decision, not a personal one. I'm not texting anymore. Happy to talk face to face."

So I've said "okay when can we talk face to face" (even though I am sh*tting myself even at the thought. She's been described as a viper, and has started a family fight in the past; nearly having a punch on with my mum.)

AND SHE HASN'T REPLIED.

Sidenote: I don't want to work at the cafe because:

It's the principle of it; it's being demoted and it's embarrassing. But also the fact that no, I'm not too emotional. A workplace needs to be safe and keep their staff feeling safe (it's very unsafe - that's why there's such a high staff turn over.)

I don't want to work with alcoholic! aunty because she's done some really really traumatic things to me in the past (it was including a knife but I'm not going to go into that).

Anyyywwwaaayyyy, If you read all that. Thank you so much. I'm sorry it's so long. I hope you have a great day, a great month, a great life. You deserve it x

TW: family issues

hello, thank you for sending in your rant <3

wow, that really is a lot to go through. your reasons for not wishing to work at the cafe are totally valid. nothing is more important than your safety and providing such a basic need to one's employees is the most crucial responsibility of an employer.

it sounds like nobody is giving you any real and honest reasons as to why you're being technically fired. i can only imagine how frustrating that must feel.

from what you just told me, i can see how hard you have been working and how seriously you take your job. i hope that your aunt comes around and sees it. and even if she doesn't, i hope that you find a workplace that treats you well.

you deserve kindness, respect, and appreciation for your work. please take care <3

i'm sending you lots of support and comfort! please feel free to reach out again if you need to vent and you found this helpful :)

[kittiesjournal]

My Autistic Journey

It is typical to hear from autistic people that they grew up knowing that they were weird, different and out of place with other individuals and in social groups, and I am not excluded from that experience, however I wasn't the most aware of it as I grew up. I thought my differences were simply because I had different interests, hobbies and personality, not that my excessive “shyness”, restrictive and repetitive behaviours and sensory preferences weren’t something that would magically disappear when I got older. I remember having fantasies of how popular I would be when I got to high school… I was so terribly wrong. 

I won't lie, my memory sucks, I have a lot of trouble remembering autistic traits I had experienced in my early childhood. I find myself struggling to remember a lot of things from growing up unless I had paid special attention to those moments in time. However, the first moment I realised that I could be autistic was in Year 10, I spent so much time researching every single symptom I could. This revelation sparked a grand understanding of myself and I finally felt as if I could see myself better. The mirror before was always cloudy but now, I could now clearly see the glimmer in my eyes; a part of my true self. 

Things began to fall into place, this was the reason I felt so alien to the world around me, why I felt like I had never belonged anywhere. The year prior to my revelation; the dreaded year 9, was the worst year in my schooling. With an increase in my anxiety and depression, being bullied and being incredibly disconnected from my friend group at the time, it is no shock to why it was the worst. My social confidence and my skills are definitely lacking due to being autistic however the way i was treated within my old friend group did not help. I was constantly shut down and complained about when I would infodump about my interests, and excluded frequently. Now briefly, i would like to mention a funny little tale of my primary school years;

If I had a dollar for every time i was abandoned by my friends during break times after I had been in the bathroom, then  not being able to find them and ending up crying to my sister, I would have $2, which isn’t a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

This, in my high school experience, transformed into being excluded from group plans and told things like “omg sorry we forgot to add you to the group chat - we totally will though”. Loneliness was my truest friend in that group. Although I had put on a mask constantly in hopes to be treated the same as the individuals in the group, I ended up, during break times, simply not talking. There would be maybe a couple words in response to questions but that was the first instance in my life my anxiety and uncomfortability caused me to become frequently non (or at least low) verbal. 

In response to my experiences with that friend group, I found myself repressing who I was and what I loved. I am still to this day afraid of info-dumping and often apologise after I catch myself doing it. I mask so much it instead feels fake when I am being my autistic self,  I believe I lost touch with myself. I felt so disconnected from people that it became hard to feel like I was truly friends with anyone. Many nights were spent crying because I am not normal, not like everyone else. I begged the universe to let me be normal. But of course, because im autistic, my brain just wasn’t built ‘normal’, I don’t understand how to socialise, I don’t understand non-verbal communications and don’t even get me started with understanding emotions. I could not understand why I couldn’t bond with people the same way they did with each other and often questioned why everyone was closer with each other than I could ever experience. I know that even now, I don’t think I could ever feel and experience friendship the way everyone does, and I missed out on that crucial part of life. It's like I'm on a different plane of existence, akin to the artificial intelligence in media that other characters may care for but never in the same, human way they bond with each other. Some nights I still cry. Some days I'm still extremely lonely.

In spite of all my troubles and loneliness I was lucky to find some light, in my later years of schooling and to the present time, I have some pretty amazing friends and I am slowly learning how to exist in friendships while being my more authentic autistic self. Weirdly enough, these friends are all likely to be Neurodivergent (i helped them realise) and i guess that makes it easier. Even though I have these amazing friends, I'm still learning how to be myself around them and I still at times feel disconnected - not knowing how to socialise and my other autistic struggles don’t just disappear. There have been many occurrences where I have completely fumbled and messed up in these friendships but they understand me better than any other friends I have had.

Some quick acknowledgements of two important people in my life;

I have had one consistent friend since year 4; my best friend and I am grateful for you, that you’ve been by my side while I've been figuring all of this out. Also I'm sorry that you’ve had to coincide with my autistic self since we were 10 (sorry i made you reenact frozen everyday).

And in addition to friendships, romantic relationships are another terrifying territory. I don’t know the right things to say, how often to talk and how to keep conversations flowing, flirting is a mystery, and I don't know how to show my feelings and at times it may seem harder to tell if I care. But, I promise I will. To my girlfriend, my dearest, I'm sorry and thank you for being kind and patient, for always supporting and encouraging me in all my ‘quirkiness’.

These experiences, my mistakes, help me grow everyday and due to the extensive support of those around me I felt encouraged and confident enough to seek a diagnosis for my autism. However my journey of getting a diagnosis was extremely rocky. The first time I had brought up my thoughts on me being autistic to my mother I was met with a “why” and silence, the second time she asked if I wanted to try and get a diagnosis - I obviously said yes. This began my experience with the company Autism SA. I completed a self-referral application to get an appointment, I was sent paperwork and forms to fill and send back, and was told I would have to be on the waiting list for 18 months. In the end I didn't have to wait the full 18 months, I got my appointment, I went in at 9:30am on the 6th of February and that afternoon I realised this was one of the worst days of my life. They told me I didn't meet the criteria (in the feedback report I received on a later date they wrote that I met none of the criteria - the biggest lie I have ever heard). The appointment was fraudulent, I felt so uncomfortable and anxious because this was something I had never done before with complete strangers, so I masked. They sat me in a room constructed for young children, just me and the speech pathologist and she asked me questions, but nothing too in depth about my autistic experiences. It was obvious she only knew autism as the basic textbook version of male-aligned traits, it was obvious that she; a neurotypical, allistic individual would never understand me. I have many regrets that day, i should have said more about my traits and experiences, shown a list of them, let myself not mask for once in my damn life -  maybe then things would have been different and i would be sitting here writing about how great it is to be able to receive help and be understood. Instead, that afternoon, I cried and cried and cried. For the first time in a while I cried in my mothers arms, I think in that moment she truly understood the autistic me. I had never felt so invalidated and unheard in my life, i felt more depressed and alone than i ever felt just existing as an autistic person in this unfit world. I still feel that way anytime i think about that day for too long, it's hard to write this all down. Autism SA told me it was most likely “just anxiety”, like what many AFAB individuals are told when they are actually autistic, as if my anxiety doesn’t stem from my autistic traits and struggles. 

This terrible moment in my life was of course not the end, life flows on and I had to as well- so I wrote a 5000 word document on all of my autistic traits to prove them wrong (i sent it to the psychologist who had been in charge of my assessment). 

After getting out the frustration and needing to feel validated for my experience, I am in a better state of mind. I read Chloé Hayden’s book Different, Not Less (and watched so many of her YouTube videos) and I felt seen, I felt inspired. So now, in my present self, I am learning to be my truest self, my special interests are accepted; I am creating art everyday and now I'm writing too. I let myself stim in around others and in public, i don't ignore my sensory struggles and instead i make accommodations and seek support for them. I can notice when I am burnt out and I take care of myself when I am. There has been so much I have struggled with in terms of my autism but I can write about those another time, for now this is one step. Now I am and always will be honest about who I am. I am autistic.

[amysubmits]

This is such a great comic expressing how it can be for some with ADHD. I hope I don’t detract from it too much by adding my experience.

I was also a quiet little girl so I was labeled as irresponsible, careless, not living up to potential, spacey, etc. Nobody ever suggested I may have ADHD when I was little. When I was just shy of 14, I saw a psychiatrist for mental health issues and was diagnosed as ADHD inattentive type. Totally unexpected. They never really said anything to me about that diagnosis, but I was given adderall. Nobody ever explained to me or my parents why I was diagnosed, and what ADHD looked like for me. We always wondered if the diagnosis was even correct because I wasn’t hyper, loud, disruptive. My mom often pointed out that I could sit through family dinners just fine, and when I was younger I’d spend long periods of time playing with the same toys. I didn’t seem to have a lack of focus in that sense.  

In our senior year of high school, one of my close friends got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds - and she had an experience just like this comic. She really grieved for her younger self. She wondered how different her life could have been if she had the help of medication before. She talked to me about how she had no idea she had been living life on hard mode until she had the meds. She said she felt ‘more like herself’ than she ever had. At the time, I thought this meant I likely had been misdiagnosed, because that wasn’t my experience with ADHD meds. 

I had heart palpitations and felt anxious while on the meds. Some of my other diagnosis’ included anxiety and PTSD as it was, but the adderal seemed to exacerbate my anxiety and I didn’t really get why they thought I should be on ADHD meds anyway. I wasn’t disruptive, and my grades were okay. I didn’t see how adderal was helping me, but I did see how it was harming me. So, I quit taking it. 

About a year ago I was struggling to get work done. I knew it was likely me being in a fog of grief (my dad died), but I was worried about my performance at work. I’m not usually one to struggle with being productive at work. So I went to my doctor to see about ADHD meds for the first time in about 15 years. She gave me adderal but said it may work better for me now as brain chemistry changes a lot between being a teen an adult. I tried it, and it hasn’t caused me anxiety, but after a few months I wasn’t all-consumed by grief anymore so my regular focus returned and I didn’t feel like I needed it to help me with work. So I didn’t see any point in continuing it, and had mostly stopped using it for the last several months. 

This summer I started therapy. I didn’t really expect ADHD to be a big topic of discussion, but the last couple of months it’s been a big focus for me because I’m just now - some 15+ years after my original diagnosis, finally gaining an understanding of what ADHD actually looks like for me. 

I’ve talked to my therapist about how I’m self employed, set my own deadlines, and keep myself accountable without trouble. I see lots of content on tiktok and other places that discuss ADHD where they talk about how difficult (nearly impossible) it is for people with ADHD to start a new project, or begin a household chore. Things like “I know I need to do laundry today, and I’ve been thinking about it and feeling guilty about it all day, but I cannot make myself get up and start the load.” Online this is usually what I hear people refer to when they say “executive dysfunction” so I thought I didn’t have executive dysfunction. 

So again - I thought maybe I was just misdiagnosed? But my therapist has explained to me that ADHD is really a spectrum. It’s not a spectrum with just a few types, either - it’s not hyperactive adhd, inattentive adhd, and mixed type. It’s a much more complex spectrum. 

She’s talked to me about how diagnostic criteria for ADHD was largely based on boys and how ADHD often looks different in girls, women or AFAB people. I had come across some of that info online, so that wasn’t news to me. But it was news to me that the “I desperately want to do X, but my brain won’t let me” is more commonly seen in boys/men/AMAB people. So me not having that despite having an ADHD diagnosis isn’t weird. 

She said the diagnosis is also largely based on people observing others with ADHD. So while it’s called attention defecit hyperactivity disorder, it’s common (or at least not uncommon) for people with ADHD to not feel like they lack focus. She said it’s now being understood that it’s more about being able to regulate your attention. She said she feels a better name would be attention regulating disorder! She said some with ADHD frequently experience hyperfocus, and this can make it hard for them to switch from focusing on one thing, to focusing on something new. To those observing us, this can look like we’re “spacing out” but in reality we’re hyperfocused on something, so we struggle to switch our focus to something new. 

My main point is, I’ve realized in the last couple of months that I 100%, without a doubt have ADHD. I just experience it differently than some others, but that’s normal because ADHD is a spectrum. I’ve also learned that ‘executive dysfunction’ is a ton of things, it’s not just being unable to make yourself do the laundry or something like that. 

My ADHD symptoms look like this:

I struggle to regulate my focus, because I hyperfocus on things that are “weird” to hyperfocus on. It’s common to hyperfocus on things like an exciting scene in a movie, or a video game. We’ve all experienced saying “hey” or “dinners ready” to a kid playing a video game and had them reply “huh?” even though you spoke clearly and at a reasonable volume. They just didn’t comprehend what you said because they were hyperfocused on their game. I do that if I’m just...doing the dishes and thinking about work. I’ll be so deeply invested in my thoughts that I can’t hear you unless you give me a minute to shift my focus. This also overlaps with audio processing trouble, and sensory processing is part of ADHD, too. 

Another way that I struggle to regulate my focus is bouncing between tasks. People without ADHD can cook something that needs stirred every 2-3 minutes, and text their friend between stirring and will effectively regulate their focus between those two tasks to keep stirring at 2-3 minute intervals. I can’t just jump back and forth between focusing on one or the other with ease, so i’m likely to either get too focused on cooking, or too focused on texting, and I’ll end up not stirring frequently enough, or I’ll be too focused on cooking and stir too often. This also can overlap with “time blindness”. You might think you’re stirring the pot every 2-3 minutes, but maybe it’s been 5+ minutes because you got too focused on your text message so 5 minutes felt like 2 minutes. So you may think you did a decent job of stirring at the right intervals, but you’re confused why it’s now sticking and burning, you don’t even realize you lose track of time, necessarily. It’s a type of executive dysfunction. 

I’m not a linear thinker, and I can’t edit my thoughts very well while speaking. Maybe I’ll be trying to explain to someone how I’ve been struggling with migraines, and I’ll go to tell them about one particular migraine I had, and then my brain remembers something else that happened on the day that I had the migraine, and now I catch myself telling this person about what else happened on the day that I had a migraine, even though it’s totally irrelevant to my point. I didn’t really even want to share this excess detail with them...it’s just that it popped into my head, and took over my focus, so I had to follow it along, and now I have to say “Oh, sorry, anyway - “ and then jump back to what I actually wanted to talk about. My therapist has used the analogy that neurotypical people, when talking, are sort of driving a car. They can control the speed, and control where to turn. They can consciously decide what details to share and what not to share. Where for many with ADHD, they’re more like a train on a track. If their brains focus shifts to something, they can’t really choose to just change topics. This is why I get “side tracked” and add irrelevant information when talking. And writing, to some extent - though I do try to “trim the fat” some when writing. This is a form of executive dysfunction. 

Rejection sensitive dysphoria. I had heard about this on TikTok and elsewhere too, but thought it was basically when someone immediately jumps to feeling rejected anytime someone disagrees with them, or similar. It can be that, but it can be a lot more subtle. It can basically look like social anxiety, and worrying that people will judge you - not necessarily that you think they’ll hate you or shun you. My therapist explained that how I sometimes have really strong reactions to worrying about being judged is also related to emotional regulation trouble. I knew emotional regulation difficulties were a symptom of ADHD, but I thought that meant people who get frustrated or angry easily and can’t calm themselves down. Yet again, it CAN be that, but it also can be having “big feelings” other than anger that aren’t proportionate to the situation. So if I screw up something I was cooking and sort of momentarily fall apart because I’m so upset about it? That’s an emotion regulation issue, and this is part of executive dysfunction, too.  

Hyperactivity. I thought this was the hyper kid who can’t sit still in school, church, or even at dinner. It can be...but my therapist said boys are more likely to have hyperactivity that disrupts others. AFAB people tend to have “internal” hyperactivity. They twist their hair, change positions in their seat, fidget with their jewelry, chew their nails, bite the insides of their cheeks, etc. That’s me! 

So, now I’m re-trying ADHD meds although I don’t feel that I really struggle with a lack of focus overall...I think I’m more prone to hyper-focus, but they can help with executive dysfunction, too - and many of these things I experience are forms of executive dysfunction. I never paid attention in the past to whether I was better able to switch between tasks or ‘cut the fat’ when talking, when medicated. I thought they were just supposed to give me more focus, so that’s all I was checking for when trying to figure out if they were working. 

I figure out I had ADHD last year, but I didn’t seek an official diagnosis and medication until this year. I’m 30 years old, my school days are long behind me. I slipped through the cracks because I have predominately inattentive type and I was a quiet little girl. Having ADHD does not mean you have to be hyperactive and loud, it means you have a processing problem in your brain that doesn’t allow you to regulate your focus or emotions. 

Mental health even now is still taboo to talk about. People are more open now than ever about it however and that gives me hope. 

This is a profoundly personal comic and it only reflects my own experience with ADHD. It is on a spectrum with a wide range of personalities. But if my story connects with someone else and helps them, that would mean the world to me.

[thatsucks849]

When I was 12, I downloaded Kik and met a girl who was 14. I told her I was 14 as well, because I guess I thought, for some reason, that she'd automatically dislike me for being younger than her.

She was nice, and we were talking for a while, I don't remember how long though, and I thought she could be my first real friend. But she still didn't know I was 12 and not 14. I avoided talking about the ages of me and my siblings, and I avoided school, as well, because I knew I'd blow it real quick otherwise. She loved Hiro from Big Hero Six and Elsa from Frozen. She liked Hiro better genderbent. Said she was cute. She told me she was bi, I didn't mind.

But I eventually started withdrawing a bit. And I've just realized it may have been in unfortunate proximity to the above confession. But it was not because of her, not in any way, and I felt bad about it and tried to keep talking to her and still be a "friend," much as I could without really understanding how that worked or even what it was. I think what is a "friend" to me is still different from a lot of others. But I was a troubled kid with undiagnosed ASD, ADHD, depression, and anxiety in a household where that meant nothing and any problems you have are just excuses not to do what you're told, and I was losing the energy to put towards other people, I was kind of shutting down in life as a whole.

She asked me a question about something, I think it was school, and I felt certain that her discovery of my True Age was imminent; I'd been lying this whole time, and she might hate me for it. I needed to have a real, proper discussion ane come clean and apologize and hope we could continue on despite the lie and the age gap.

But it was nearing the holidays, I was kinda busy with family, but truthfully moreso with trying to just exist and not spend every day in a totally broken-down state. I told her it was holiday-related family business. I asked if we could "talk about this after the holidays." She agreed. Probably confused, honestly, about why a question about school gets the answer of "let's talk about this when I have more time."

But I broke my iPad. I slammed it in a car door. I had no other way to contact her, to get back in my account on Kik. I ghosted her, and it was an accident. I wanted to talk to her still.

In frustration at having lost this, at having left in such a way that must only seem like abandonment, with no way back, my iPad entirely unusable, I grabbed a hammer and I beat that iPad like all my frustrations in life originated from it, then I cleaned up all the broken pieces and threw it away and cried.

I learned the next day that sometimes, even when a device has been broken, there are ways to access your info. I don't know if this was beyond that point or not. It surely was after I was done with it.

Honestly, I think I'd be afraid to know how this looked to her. We were talking regularly, I slowly backed away, then disappeared entirely. I'd be afraid to know how she delt with that, as one who seemed to care a good bit for me, at the time, and often seemed so cheerful when I messaged her back.

But I'd also want to know. I want to apologize. It was an accident. I have regretted it all this time. I am so sorry. To have been ghosted by one you seemed to have considered a friend, it must have hurt.

And I don't remember how long it was, at this point, but I really hope it wasn't actually at a time where she would think I hated her for coming out (honestly not sure if that's better or worse though? Like if someone is leaving you anyway? It'll heckin suck either way I just don't know, it seems like it'd give some kind of trauma related to it, but you're probably already getting trauma anyway if you felt close to them. Just feels worse to think about).

I hope she's doing well these days, though. It's been 9 years, and idk maybe it's time I let go, myself. I just always wanted to apologize to her.

I wanted to say this, put it out there, get it off my chest, so to speak. I've been thinking of it ever since then, wanting to say something but feeling like I couldn't or shouldn't. I don't think I've ever talked about it in much detail before. I made this account just to do so.

But to that 14 year old girl who loved Hiro and Elsa and dogs, and whom I lied about my age and eventually started talking to less and less before disappearing entirely, I'm sorry.

I handled things poorly, then, in the way I backed away. I still wanted to talk and be friends, if you would have been willing to think of me that way. I was just falling apart, as well, and I didn't know how to handle it or to do both. You were struggling enough. I didn't want to burden you with my own problems, too. And then I no longer had a way to contact you. I lost access to that account entirely. I had no idea what my login info was, even when I had other devices I might use.

However this is taken is fair. An explanation with no intent to excuse, and an apology.

I've never really used Tumblr before, though, this is my first ever post and I don't know the first thing about how it works, so maybe there won't be anyone to take this one way or the next, regardless.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Saturday, January 27th, 2024!

9:09am feeling good just wanted to check in!! Slept pretty well, got 9hrs! My body keeps naturally waking up around 6/7ish but it's like why am I waking up I feel like crap? It's like my body is randomly waking up in the middle of a sleep cycle. I wonder if I am having bad dreams and just not remembering them? I never remember any of my dreams ever, like maybe twice a year. Hmmm.

Positive note! I have off today and will be attempting to go to gasparilla! I say attempting bc it can definitely be anxiety inducing after what happened last year! It was rough. But I AM RECLAIMING GASPARILLA!! It is not his or my mom's to taint/ ruin/ or color in a negative or awkward light. It is my day to paint in positive, jovial, celebratory light! It's a pirate throwdown! We all know this is the type of event where people get too drunk and get angry and start pissing contests with each other, but it's hard to do that when you're with the best company (yourself!!) Just get buzzed, not sloppy drunk, and enjoy not being at work!! I really want to adopt this attitude for all of my time off lol.

Really, the only thing I would gain from bringing people to this event is like picture opportunities? Or a DD? But I don't even want to get drunk enough to need a DD so that's not the objective at all. Safety? Truly, I have never felt unsafe doing things alone (but surrounded by hundreds of ppl like come on). Someone to hold hands/ hug if they were a partner? ...... Awkward what if they're trying to bang on the Porto potty when all I wanna do is catch beads fr bc I could totally see some shit like that happening and pissing me off. I don't like having to coordinate my ideas/ timeline/ mindset with another person or people. Guys are horndogs and high-key suck ass, wanting to leave early, just to go home and do shit nothing and the same shit they do every other day!! Relationships and friendships are work and I have enough on my plate fr. All this to say, don't be sad you're going alone! Be happy that you're going! It's the same as any other giant thing you've been to! If you see someone you know, say hi and treat them how you would want to be treated! Ask if they're being safe, have they had any water, are they having a good time, and keep it light! Or you may see nobody you know and this is 100% more likely so just go with the flow! ❤️

10:08am oops haven't moved from the couch but that is ok :) I fucking love the positivity of Tumblr it's like literally endless stream of good advice and kindness like woah. SC is toxic AF, FB is a pretty bad wormhole, and reddit can be too much like seeing similar stories but almost never following through with solutions?? Tumblr at least seems like they know how to fix their issues lol this is probably a weird rant. Also glad I got rid of IG and TT I don't miss that weird shit. Very random rant over.

I think something I am having trouble with is that so many individual instances of my pain were just swept under the rug and forgotten about by everyone else? Nobody understands all the things that built up my resentment because to everyone else they just seem like unrelated events? Like what does his brother have to do with the dog have to do with all of the other things that constantly are brought up in my mind? They were all invasions of my privacy, inability to feel comfortable in my own apartment. It feels like a crime scene in here still sometimes, not all the time, but a lot of the time? My own apartment feels abused idk if that makes any sense like this apartment feels as resilient as I do, it's seen some weird shit. I love my cats if it wasn't for them, I would feel much worse.

10:37am I am having huge problems with unwanted thoughts they are incessant and from waking up to going to sleep. Going on tumblr is a good brain distraction but I want to just be able to sit with myself or drive or do mundane tasks without unwanted thoughts popping into my head?? What do I do fr.

10:52am ok wow I have had so much to write about recently. I have thought of a new strategy. When I have intrusive thoughts about her or him just say out loud to myself, that's something I would not do/like/ enjoy. That does not sound like anything I would do. And just distance myself from them.

I would never knowingly enter another woman's home. I would never send nudes to a man I know was in a relationship. I would never accept/save nudes from another person if I was in a relationship (and thank God I never have and can stand on that shit 🙏). I would never put myself in a position to traumatize another woman. I would never put myself in a position to make another woman question everything about herself. I would never put my partner in a position to compete with other people for my attention (if it is truly a serious, monogamous relationship). I would never cheat on my partner. Period, sis???

Y'all are the worst type of people and I really don't care how you guys redeem yourselves or justify your behavior. Y'all can keep that between you both. I don't want any part of people who act this way. This is my boundary and think it's a pretty damn good one. ❤️

12:05pm wearing a crop top with no bra and feeling extremely sexy. Also drinking a mimosa and feeling like a baddie. Damn if I ever feel sad or bad about myself literally just dressing sexier will help. I stg.

4:43pm I feel so sexy and promiscuous I could literally fuck anyone RN and it feels awesome I have so much power over my body and I'm in control. Leaving the parade, going to Ybor for free shots, will probably leave when it's dark (6ish?) But damn I feel amazing AF!!

6:10pm uuurg mad bc I have nobody to have sex with............... SIKE bitch just love yourself the way you want to be loved!!!! Finna play w my vibe and wear comfy clothing and eat leftovers bc that's how I want to be treated so might as well start by treating myself that way!!!! ❤️ It takes time, good things take time, what's the rush if I want it ten/ twenty/ thirty years from now?? ❤️❤️❤️

7:54pm if me setting boundaries is hostile... Oh fucking well you don't get the nice accommodating me anymore since you decided to cross all of my boundaries previously 🙄🙄🙄🙄 fuck you, at least I have it in writing that he doesn't want to take the cats so whatever I just don't want you to break my screen door either... Sincerely a woman living alone in 2024, a fear you will never fucking know..

[bearsfakedthemoonlanding]

I guess it’s time to talk about Linda

Linda is my grandmother. My mom’s mom. She’s the eldest of five children; her mother had her when she was twenty, and she had my mom when she was twenty, which is far too young to have a kid, if you ask me. I know she had a hard life-- a hard childhood before a hard adulthood. I know that she never wanted this. She’d wanted to join the navy instead of doing the husband and kid runaround, but she couldn’t bear disappointing and disobeying her parents, so she stayed. Married right out of high school. Had my mom. Had another one. 

My aunt died before she was even a full year old, and if you ask anyone in my family, that’s when things truly went to shit. She never recovered. Her and my grandpa divorced not long after, and my grandpa moved on. 

I wasn’t around for any of that, but my heart does break for the young woman my grandmother once was. She lived through hell. Followed the divorce and child loss with abusive boyfriends and heavy drug use and periods of homelessness and what I have to imagine was suitcases full of unhealed trauma. I wish that things had been easier for her. I wish that understanding her past was enough to get me over Our past, but I can’t sculpt my feelings entirely out of empathy. 

I don’t remember ever feeling safe around her, but I remember plenty of times feeling afraid of her. 

I was one of those kids who was nervous about everything, and when I was three became extremely nervous about goodbyes. Separation anxiety is totally developmentally appropriate at this age, but I remember what it felt like. I was certain for a while that any time I said goodbye to my parents might be the last time I ever saw them, and that sent me into a panic. Then, to try and cope with this, I came up with little rituals, and decided that Even If this goodbye was the last time I ever saw them, at least I could say goodbye and hug them and tell them I loved them before it happened. I wanted them to be certain of my love for them if they happened to die. 

This went on for a while. Any time I didn’t get a chance to do my ritual, I’d fall entirely to pieces.  I get how this was a hard thing to deal with. You need a lot of patience around small children, and the crying can get annoying. I remember Linda having very little patience for it, or for me in general. 

Once my mom was going out with her brother-- something she hardly ever did when I was young-- and she was leaving me with Linda. Going out at night was New, and as all kids know, the dark is more dangerous than the not-dark. I had a lot of trouble coping with this change in routine, with my mom going out somewhere dangerous with this strange tall man I didn’t know, leaving me alone with Linda. So I lost it. 

You know those grabber things old people use to reach things that are far away? I remember Linda standing over me, screaming, shaking one at me and threatening to beat me with it if I didn’t get a grip. 

I don’t remember if she did or not. Probably not. I can’t imagine my mom would have kept her cool if something like that happened. 

But there was a lot of that. A lot of explosive episodes in response to me crying, or laughing at the wrong time, or walking too loud, or playing in the wrong place, or being out of sight, or being in sight. It was hard to exist around Linda. 

Once when I was about four and too small to swim by myself, I was having one of my episodes because my father left for work and I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye.  I was out in the yard wandering around, contemplating what I was sure would be my dad’s death that afternoon, when Linda called me over. She was on the deck at the pool-- a simple above ground thing, four feet deep and taller than I was. She called me over, and I went, and she shoved me in. 

Took me a while to stop being afraid of swimming after that. 

It was hard to tell what would set Linda off, when I was a kid. “Tone” was always a big thing, and being gross or noisy or touching her things or not laughing at her jokes. She has real trouble when people don’t laugh at her jokes. I didn’t like being alone with her because I knew I would do something that made her mad. At the same time, she would play this game sometime where she would be extremely friendly, trying to play and be silly and shower me with affection. 

So smart. So clever. So pretty, so special. This child is a genius. 

That had always made my skin crawl, as young as I can remember. I never knew why. Always felt bad that I wasn’t appreciative. 

Sometimes she would pretend she was going to stab me. She’d be in the kitchen or on the porch chopping vegetables, and she’d turn to me with the knife, and I don’t remember what she would say but I remember being certain that she might actually do it. 

She would also hide in closets and jump out to scare me. I would scream and, when I was really young, cry. When I was older and had been taking martial arts classes, once I hit her on reflex when she did it. She was so mad. I thought she might never forgive me. 

Forgiveness was a big thing. 

Anytime an offense was made, I was forced to beg for forgiveness. An apology was never enough, and she would say she didn’t want to hear it. Would say all types of nasty things. Would sometimes go into the silent treatment. 

I didn’t mind the silent treatment, except it made my mom sad. I always ended up doing something to appease her. Writing lines, groveling, breaking down in tears to prove how truly sorry I was. It was a whole charade. I hated it. My parents never insisted on those things for themselves-- if we had any trouble, we would talk it out, and we would find a fix. I remember maybe five spankings at most in my childhood; my parents only had one of me, and were both near thirty when they did it, and they had more of a mind to have Conversations than just start swinging. 

Linda didn’t like conversations. She never liked anything I had to say, but boy would she get mad if I refused to talk.  She would go through these phases with things, where she’d want to go to a certain place and spend hours there days and days in a row for a couple months. The VFW bar, the department store at the mall, a flower shop, a thrift store. My mom would get into it, liked bonding with her mom, and I would get taken along. 

Kids have a hard time being bored in places anyways, but I remember times when we would go after school and stay till late evening, and I’d be so hungry I was nauseous from it.  Then, because of that, I would start getting nervous anytime we were out, because I MIGHT get nauseous, and that itself would make me nauseous anyways. It wouldn’t be too terrible if I was with my mom, because at least then I’d have someone to talk and play with, and she would take us home at a reasonable enough time. I hated being out with Linda all by ourselves. It’s hard being a kid and not having any control. 

When I was 10 or 11 there was an event, where I’d volunteered to go out with my mom and Linda. By this age I was being left home alone by myself not infrequently, which suited me just fine, but I missed my mom that evening. When my mom said she was actually going to go do something else and I would just go alone with Linda, I changed my mind, said I would rather stay home. 

Linda lost her entire mind. Screaming. Crying. I remember these terrible arguments when I was a child where she would demand “Why do you hate me!? What did I ever do to you!? Why does your daughter hate me? Why am I so terrible that my own granddaughter hates me??” 

I never answered her, though I wish I had. I wish I’d unleashed all of my prepubescent rage and told her the truth. I wish I’d bitten her. 

They left me at home, and I’d been so distraught that I’d made a banner out of that old printer paper that said “I’m sorry, I DO like you” and hung it on the wall. She accepted the apology. My mom was happy. My mom always just wanted to calm Linda down so we could all get along. 

Sometimes I was awful, of course. Everyone can be, and kids are learning to be people, so they definitely have their moments. The older I got, the more bitter I got, and the more resentful and disrespectful. Besides my own issues with Linda, there was a lot going on between her and my mom. 

They would get into these fights when I was a kid-- screaming, crying, suicide-threatening, throwing thing cage matches in the living room. Sometimes about something I’d done-- I’d committed some childish crime, and Linda had gone off, and my mom had stepped in. Anytime Linda tried to hit me, my mom would step in, and then they’d be off, and I knew in my childish mind that it was all my fault. 

They would get into screaming arguments, and sometimes my mom would storm off, and Linda would approach me almost too calmly and say “She shouldn’t get worked up like that. She has a bad heart. She’s going to have a heartattack and die.” And I knew that would be my fault, too. 

I stopped believing I deserved the blame as much sometime in middle school, but I remember an instance when I was eight. I don’t remember what happened the night before, but I was in the car with my dad on our way to church, and I told him I hated her. He said hate was a big feeling, and I agreed, but I knew it was true. He didn’t even try to talk me out of it. I think he hates her too, honestly. I would hate someone that tortured my wife like that. 

It was worse when she drank, which happened the most when work was stressful. Drunk Linda was meaner than sober Linda, and for a majority of my childhood Drunk Linda was the only Linda I knew. 

Once I accidentally flushed the toilet when she was in the shower, and when she came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, stringy dripping hair hanging over her face, she’d screamed and screamed that I was a demon, sent straight from hell, and the devil had me, and he’d sent me to torture her, and she hated me and I was a terrible, evil child. That one sits heavy with me, unlocks a tense, hot, flighty feeling every time I think about it. 

There were times she was happy though, too. Once when I was six she’d come home with a dozen pairs of children’s shoes that she’d impulsively bought that afternoon. My mom was upset, because she said my grandmother couldn’t afford it, and that Linda had some packrat tendencies and this was just more clutter. And I knew that I was supposed to be grateful. I kept a pair of the shoes; my mom returned all the others. I also knew that this weird shoe incident made my mom upset, and since the shoes were for Me, I knew this was kind of my fault. 

When I was in middle school something happened that I don’t remember, but I remember Linda gave me the silent treatment, and I decided to give it right back. Whatever had happened had been bad enough that my mom didn’t even try to stop me. It was one of the few moments of righteous indignation I got in my childhood; Linda actually apologizing to me. She tried to act like we were friends right after. It had made me want to scream. 

Linda also had some digestive issues that could get pretty bad, but the doctors said they were made worse with alcohol. She went on a pretty bad bender once when I was in middle school, and I remember the night she almost died. She collapsed in the bathroom and bled out and had to be carried out of the house by paramedics. She was in the hospital for weeks. I remember kind of hoping that this would be the end of it; it wasn’t. Sometimes on particularly strange nights she would go on and on that I was the one who saved her life, because I was the one who heard her fall and got my mom. 

She broke my door in elementary school. It had a lock on it, and she’d busted the door down. I didn’t put a new lock on it myself until the year I lived at home after college.  She threw a fit about that too. 

I wanted to kill myself in high school. I didn’t ever want to go through with it, because I knew it would break my mom’s heart, and I also knew that Linda was always threatening suicide, and I didn’t want to be anything like her.  Still, my mental health hit the absolute gutter my sophomore year of college, when my mom was similarly falling off the deep end, and Linda was getting meaner and meaner by the day. I ended up getting expelled from school, and Linda used to corner me in my bedroom at night and hiss that my parents no longer liked me, how could they? I was terrible. And that I was lucky they didn’t take a belt to me for all of this. That I would have deserved it. That I was lucky I was still alive. 

Even when she was being neutral instead of nasty, she wasn’t particularly pleasant. She didn’t like that I did martial arts, wanted me to do dance, was worried it would turn me into a dyke. Was always worried anything I did was too dangerous. Would take it personally any time I got hurt and go off on a guilt trip about how I was Trying to worry her to death, but not in a normal parent way. It was next level. Sometimes she threatened to kill herself. Sometimes she got black out drunk and said she had to, to deal with me. 

She did Karen shit at stores and restaurants that always drove me crazy, and she drove drunk a lot, and she was always so mean to my mom. I was in second or third grade when my mom started confiding in me, because my mom and I were very close, and I was a good listener who asked a lot of questions, and I was there to see all of there terrible fights while my dad was at work. She told me about her childhood abuse, about the homelessness, about the drugs, about how her mom would hurt her. Which made me hate Linda even more, and also instilled a good dose of fear of the woman. I knew what she was capable of, and I was always small and weak and sickly. I didn’t want to push my luck and have Linda really turn on me.

So I was my mom’s confidant, and sometimes I tried to be her protector, but I was also something that set Linda off constantly, which meant I was often the source of the terrible feelings my mom needed to vent about. It was a gross cycle, and wasn’t good for either of us. I wish my mom had had someone else to talk about. I wish she’d been mad enough to not let Linda live with us. I wish she’d been more hateful, like I am. Worse at forgiveness. 

Ever since a young age she would force me into showing Linda affection, to keep from hurting her feelings, because hurt feelings always meant either screaming or drinking or both. I hated it. I hate it now. I think I might stop getting bossed around like that. A 26 year old person shouldn’t have to hug anyone they don’t want to, but especially not their childhood abuser. 

In high school I started fighting back for a while. Screaming arguments. I’ve never screamed at anyone in my life except Linda, and I hate that I ever felt that desperate, cornered, and angry. I’m not a shouty type of person. I didn’t like myself during all of that. 

She would come into my room in the middle of the night to scream at me. She would go in during the evening and lay on the bed and refuse to move. She would get drunk and stumble into my room and collapse on the floor. 

Any efforts to get her to leave, pleads that I was tired, it was time for bed. Teen snappishness to “Get out of my room!” every so often. All of it was met with this demeanor shift that still haunts me. Like the life being drained from her face as her eyes hardened and her jaw clenched, the spat “Who the FUCK do you think you’re talking to!? I am your grandmother.” The way it truly looked like she might be ready to kill me. 

Sometimes I would slip out of the room and slam the door and let her scream through the whole house, locked out of my own bedroom at 2 in the morning. Sometimes I would crawl out the window. 

We got a dog when I was 11, right after I got a pretty serious head injury from playground nonsense, just some shit timing. He was a lovely dog, but an energetic puppy, and my family isn’t the best at training dogs. He did what puppies do-- chewed shit up, had accidents-- and it often sent Linda flying off the handle. Sometimes, calm and pleasant, she would tell me “You know, we only got this dog for you. It’s stressing everyone out. Maybe we should just return it.” 

She would say this was a joke. She thought it was just so funny and precious when I would volunteer that myself, when people were upset. Tearily say “We can take the dog back. We don’t have to keep him.” My parents never knew why on earth I would say that, worried I didn’t like the dog, and that would only make me feel even worse, because I worried they thought I was ungrateful. 

She would drive drunk with me in the car. As a high schooler I would have to pick her up drunk from the bar instead. She would pinch nasty bruises into my arm as a kid.  She criticized everything, or poured on lavish praise, and got upset when I didn’t accept it. 

When I was about twelve we were at the mall, and I was at the age that I was starting to worry about the other girls in my class liking boys, and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do about that. A chatted a bit with a boy, just some kid who was there with his mom. And when Linda came and took me away, she was spitting mad and told me to never do that again. That child was black. What the fuck was wrong with me. 

She was so mad when I would swear as an adult visiting home from college. She was even madder when I pointed out she was the one who taught me how to swear. 

It broke my mom’s heart when I came out as gay, and Linda didn’t let me forget it. She would remind me anytime we were alone. She would make comments openly about “faggots” and “the gays” and what God had to say about it and plenty of things about the AIDS crisis. But then, sometimes, when she was the right kind of drunk, she would tell me how she loved the gays, she had gay friends, it was disgusting but she thought they were so fun, those men. 

It’s therapeutic to write this, right now. She’s changed a bit as I’ve grown, got a bit less angry when she retired, which I get. Job stress can make a person miserable. She still has her moments, but she’s not as mean. She still drinks a lot, but it’s not as violent. Sometimes I’ll visit home and think she’s really changed, but before long there’s an explosion that has me feeling all of eight years old again, and rehardens my heart. I don’t know how to forgive her, and I don’t think I ever want to. 

She’s still terrible to my mom. She and my mom are tied together. My mom’s relationship to her isn’t something I’ll ever be able to understand, I don’t think, but that’s alright. It’s her mom. Moms are complicated. 

My mom tells me Linda is coming to my graduation for my master’s degree in a few weeks, and I’ve been tied in knots since she mentioned it. Seeing her at home is enough; I don’t want to see her here. She still introduces me to people as her granddaughter. Thinks this “whole thing I’m doing” is ridiculous. 

In February I casually mentioned my wife and she bit my head off, telling me not to talk about that shit in front of her. Later, in what wasn’t quite an apology, she told me “you know how I feel about those things. I just never want to think about any of that. Just don’t talk about it with me.” 

In a perfect world I would never talk to her about anything, but I’m not quite ready to break my mother’s heart like that. My mom said not too long ago that as long as she was still alive, Linda and I would just have to get along with each other. 

I wish she wouldn’t do that. I wish me hating my grandmother wasn’t my mother’s problem. I wish I didn’t, but I gave up imagining liking her nearly a decade and a half ago. Sometimes I worry I’m bad for feeling badly about this woman, but looking back and writing this has soothed that over. This rage is more than justifiable. I don’t think I’ll ever outgrow it, not while she’s still alive, at least. 

Whenever death comes for her, they’d better not ask me to write the fucking eulogy.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

i don't think i mention anything super triggering although i do bring up sleep issues, stress, and medication for anyone who wants to skip those topics. i'm seeking some advice if that's okay! this is not a crisis or emergency but it has been getting kind of bad to the point where i'm constantly worried about how my sleep is going to be and it distracts me from completing things during the daytime since i have so much anxiety about it on my mind.

i have been struggling with sleep issues for years but i still haven't exactly figured out what works best for me even though you would think i should have it figured out by now. i've had doctors switch my medications a few times since different doctors will say they prefer different types for me. and i've also heard different answers and opinions from doctors like some have told me to take my medications early, while others have told me to take them right when i'm ready to go to sleep. even if it's the same medication they'll have different opinions on when and how to take it.

one thing i wanted to mention is that my sleep highly depends on what else is going on in my life. so when i'm feeling very stressed out by a lot of things, it feels like my stress makes my medications less effective. i still sleep better with them than i would without them, but the racing thoughts will make it harder for my brain to accept sleep and wind down. i also noticed that i have trouble making myself comfortable and sometimes end up doing things like sleeping in a different room or rearranging my bedding because of my mind being so stressed out about everything.

i feel like i need to decide on some kind of sleep schedule. i've heard people say that it helps to have a routine for winding down and clearing your thoughts. but i have a lot of difficulty sticking to schedules. i struggle a lot and like i said before i'm still not completely sure what types of things work best for me because it varies so much.

some nights i'll only be able to sleep if i'm listening to asmr or an audio book. other nights, i need total silence and get bothered at any little sound i hear. sometimes i fall asleep with all my lights on, other times lights extremely bother me and i can't sleep even with a dim light on, i need total darkness. last night, i slept in a different room and didn't use my weighted blanket because it felt like it was making me more uncomfortable. but on other nights i'll prefer my usual room and feel more comfortable with the weighted blanket on. and i really can't explain why my preferences vary so much and so drastically. they just do.

so my question is, how should i approach deciding on a sleep schedule for myself? is it better to do wind-down activities before or after you take your nighttime medications? what kind of activities would you advise? i know people say no screen time but sometimes online distractions help take my mind off things which helps with my anxiety. certain things do not help me for example journaling sometimes makes me wallow in my thoughts and sends my anxiety into overdrive. also, are the things i described before normal, like finding it hard to sleep even with medication if my stress levels are very high that night? and what i mentioned before about how my preferences vary a lot and what helps one night doesn't help me the next night? i have a friend who also struggles with sleep but they were surprised by some of what i mentioned. i feel very weird for this plus upset about not being able to sleep normally and letting it rule my life so much.

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with your sleep. Please know that you're not weird for experiencing these things, and it's understandable to be upset or frustrated by this.

I would ask whoever has prescribed your nighttime medications (unless it's an OTC like melatonin) when you should be doing wind-down activities. But I would say it would be good to maybe do them after you've taken the medication, as doing it before may not last when you have to interrupt to medicate. But this is my non-professional opinion, and I would recommend talking to a doctor about what the right plan is for you.

If part of the issue is that your stress levels are high towards bedtime, it may be worthwhile to talk to your doctor about beta blockers. I was prescribed beta blockers to mitigate my anxiety when I'm asleep, as I have been struggling with trauma nightmares.

It can be hard to come up with additional ideas because you've already tried a lot of different things and it sounds like your needs often shift.

Ultimately this might be something to bring up to your doctor if you haven't already, and perhaps even a neurologist or psychiatrist who specializes in disordered sleeping habits. I think an expert might be best equipped in getting a sense of your needs and developing a customized sleeping regimen.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[voidwaren]

You said somewhere you got your ADHD diagnosed late in life. How is that going? I'm 25 and I think I have it but I don't know if it's too late to bother getting it checked.

anon, it is never too late, especially if you're a cis female or grew up female. you would not BELIEVE how under diagnosed ADHD is in females. I'm talking, like, they didn't believe girls had ADHD until the late 90s, if I'm remembering correctly, and didn’t even do a lengthy study until 2007 (I think? I was in high school when it happened, I know that much), because girls just apparently weren’t able to have it. (or, if they did, it was incredibly rare. which is total bullshit, but I digress.) AND they're still learning things about ADHD in females, unlike in males where certain things have just been known for years and years due to all the studies being only on males.

please get screened if you think you have it. mental breakdown and critical burnout are the tipping point you really don't want to reach if you can help it.

and now, too many words:

that being said, that's what caused me to get checked after realizing all that shit going on with me wasn't laziness and general life anxiety. I had a huge breakdown (one of quite a few, but I previously thought it was just stress) and, at 27, finally went and got checked. (I think actually you can see me coming to the realization on this blog, because that was around when I was writing WiS and realizing, hey, something's kinda fucky here. people keep talking about ADHD in my version of Warren, but *I* don’t have it.)

(... OR DO I?)

y’all. I did better scoring on that test than I ever did in school. 

turns out I had a bunch of symptoms that, because I am a 90s child, no one batted an eye at. terrible anxiety (not just a shy child and an awkward adult), poor learning skills (not just laziness with applying myself), depression and low self-esteem (from a life of thinking I was just too dumb to understand in school, no matter how hard I tried), rejection sensitive dysphoria (not just being “too sensitive” and needing “thicker skin”), constant stomach problems and insomnia due to hyperactivity.

(I will never stop complaining about the fact that my insomnia is so bad, my mom took me to the doctor as a young child because I would not sleep at nap time in preschool and had trouble falling asleep at night, and the doctor went, "oh yeah, she just doesn't need much sleep, it's fine." SIR. THAT'S NOT A THING.) 

(I could list all the things I have and do that were red flags, but I’d be here a while, and I also can’t remember all of them, SO.)

I literally never knew. I always brushed them off because they ran in the family and were just A Thing(TM) that I would have to deal with in life like everyone else. only one of my male cousins was diagnosed ADHD, so why would I have it? so I developed a way to deal with it, and I moved on with my life.

now I know that, no, I don't need to try harder, middle school math teacher that took me aside one day and said I really needed to start applying myself. I need DRUGS.

(and coping mechanisms. better ones, because some of the ones I use to mask and do daily things are, uh. not good. and caused a lot of problems I now have to have therapy to deal with.)

so, yeah. here I am now, almost 31, discovering things all the time. it's a learning process. it feels like I’m going, “oh, that’s an ADHD thing? okay...” constantly. I still tear up whenever I hear someone tell me they also have it and that they aren’t just “not trying hard enough”, and I am not a crier. that phrase has just stuck with me to the point where it’s a trigger, and I WILL start crying if the planets align and someone says it to me at the right moment.

I still get overstimulated and overwhelmed very easily. I still struggle to do a lot of things that other people will look at and go, “I did it, why can’t you?” I’m still trying to figure out better ways to handle my reaction to daily things, rather than allowing my anxiety to take over. I’m still trying to just get by in life, living in a world not made for me. 

but now that I know why I act the way I do, dealing with it is so much easier to stomach that, sometimes, I cannot believe it’s real. (sometimes I still go, “do I actually have ADHD or was everyone right? this can’t be real.”) a lifetime of “why do I act like this?” is finally solved, and holy shit. I do not have the words to explain how much better I feel.

please, please, please go get checked if you’re able to. try to find one that knows how to diagnose females if you are a cis female or previously identified as a cis female, because there are still problems with diagnosing and some doctors will write off symptoms if they don’t have a background in specifically female ADHD, not just ADHD in general. (I went to see a female ADHD specialist, for example, who had it herself.)

if you’re a cis male or previously identified as a cis male, you might have it a little easier, but it’s still more common to be undiagnosed than you’d think, so don’t let that stop you from getting checked. confirmation for or against it is a stepping stone towards figuring out why you do certain things that may be hindering you in life.

you might have to do a lot of calling around for prices if funds are an issue (there are some places that do it for cheap, if not free, but they’re VERY hard to find sometimes), and you may have to go to more than one place, but in the end it will be worth it. I promise.

[a-commas-a-pause]

I also get this specific anxiety yes! Especially with larger pills that can get a little stuck in the throat. Though of course the smaller ones feel like they would be less noticeable (not true btw any pill big enough that you can see it WOULD be noticeable going down your trachea. That thing is sensitive).

Just to make sure I wasn't giving you false info, I did go and do a quick google on this, and can confirm, there is nothing to worry about - if a pill/object had ended up in your lungs you would be having noticeable trouble breathing and likely be in quite a lot of pain.

I have had tiny amounts of food go down the wrong way a couple of times myself and even very small pieces will usually cause a LOT of fuss.

Also, even if something did get into your lungs and then somehow dissolved there without getting coughed back up/raising hell and causing you immediate and persistent stabbing pains (very unlikely) it wouldn't dissolve your lungs themselves. It would just end up in your bloodstream a bit faster than if it had gone in the normal way (c.f. weed ingested via the digestive system (e.g brownies) vs inhaled (ie in a vape or smoked) is widely understood to "kick in" at different speeds and with different side effects). That's not to say it's totally safe or anything, any solid object in the lungs is bad because it can fuck with your breathing and provide a nucleus for germs to grow on, but it's not going to melt them straight up. And you would notice (in the form of pain and shortness of breath, basically pneumonia symptoms) if something solid did end up down there and didn't sort itself out.

And if you're thinking "well, maybe the pill was small I wouldn't notice"? Understandable, but if it were truly so small, it would be small enough for your cilia to deal with it. It would get wafted all the way back up the trachea and into the oesophagus. Where it is meant to be. That's what the cilia are for it's like their whole thing they do this with dust particles and similar all the time.

If it helps, here is a Reddit thread of other people being reassuring, and in some cases also commiserating about having this exact same anxiety:

My brain is giving me a hard time with taking my medication. I took a sip to swallow the pill and it went down weird and I can’t tell if I swallowed it or inhaled it and I’m lowkey scared it’s in my lungs and dissolving them. Anyone else have this problem

[corisanna]

I have ancient unanswered asks from 2021 in my inbox because I peaced out of Tumblr in 2020 and didn't login or check my fandom email for notifications for a year and a half. That account hadn't been logged into for so long that when I did login a couple weeks ago they had soft deactivated it and deleted every email I had. LOL

Also I haven't looked at reviews on ANAI since summer of 2020. I think it's been big anxiety about what people think. Or pressure to write and at high quality/expectations. Or that people will be angry that I haven't posted in so long. Someone told me that someone somewhere wondered if I had died. Oh no.

Fandom-wise, I may as well have, I suppose.

I called my life from April 2020 to January 2022 The Fire™ because it was flaming, steadily worsening near-ruins during that entire time. I had multiple breakdowns. I isolated myself a lot in that time and am still having trouble with crawling out of isolation.

I also isolated from the characters in the story and the entire story itself. My only connection to the story and people who like it has been ANAI Discord, which I didn't isolate from for some reason. I've been active there for most of the gap time. I've dropped info about the story there when discussions about the story interest me. That has been a tether. So thank ANAI Discord members for keeping me from isolating from the story completely.

Even though I'm back on Tumblr, I'm still isolating. I haven't really looked at my dash. I've just been posting stories and reblogging stuff for that Domestic Witches AU. I'm grateful to catboy-von-seckendorff for accidentally dragging me out of isolation and total writer's block with his AU. I can't say that I'll do much with ANAI yet but the relationships he set up got me back to at least understanding emotions and connecting with characters again. So please be patient while I spam stories for it LOL.

[smallrainclouds]

Tangled starlights

(working title)

Also hc that Hypnos is also working when he sleeping, he does his job as God of sleep. He can also do a normal sleep so he can get rest. But he doesn't get nearly as much he needs.

Part four of marriage AU

No beta.

🌙💤💤🌙

You stood in the dusty room as Hypnos floated around, lighting the candles on the walls. 

You didn't think you would return to this room. Not after what happened a few days ago. Your stomach twisted in anxiety. You weren't upset exactly but you didn't expect such a strong response. 

"And no one has kept up with the library?" You asked. You didn't want to think about *it* right now.

You walked along the shelfs, the scrolls seemed to be calling for you. 

"Mother made this place before Hades took over the house for her and he didn't deem any of this stuff important." He replied, and pointed to a door at the far end of the room. 

Hypnos waved a hand around. "There are more in that room also. When she was younger, she used to collect as many stories and knowledge as she could. But she never took the time to actually organize it." 

Hypnos lit the last candle and floated down to stand. He kept some distance between You and him. Only his bright eyes followed you around the room as you wondered.

"If you don't want to, it's totally fine. This is a lot-" 

"N-no. I want to!" You shook your head. "I helped Athens with her library the few times she needed to update it." 

You stopped and turned with a smile. "Also I like a good story and I don't doubt that your mother has some great ones in here." 

Hypnos returned your smile and you tried not to think about how close he was last night.

"Great! I'll get Dusa to help you clean up the dust in here."  He glanced around the room, "And maybe some chairs and tables." 

"Yes. Might be helpful." You teased him. And felt a little warm at his laugh.

🌙💤💤🌙

Several hours in and you were bone tired and dusty.  

So.Very.Dusty.

"Hey Dusa! How is it looking up there?" You called out.  Dusa quickly floated to You. Her green, shiny skin was now dark gray with dust but that didn't stop the beaming smile. 

You smiled back, already so fond of Dusa. It felt like You had spent a day with one of your sisters. 

"I think we got all the dust! I'm just sorry we had to remove all the scrolls out of their place."  She glanced at the piles of scrolls in the corner, carefully stacked together.

You shook your head, "It's okay. I've been told it was already a bit of a mess so no harm done."

"O-oh good!" She bobbed in the air. " I think-"

"Oh wow, I didn't realize we had so many scrolls."  An male voice drifted through the door. 

You and Dusa both turned toward the door, surprised at the visitor. 

Zagreus stood, hands on hips as he looked at the pile that loomed over him. 

"O-oh Prince! Be careful!" Dusa rushed over to him. You followed, of course he will show up when you and Dusa were both a mess. 

"Don't worry, I won't touch it." Zagreus smiled at You. " Sorry for coming at a bad time. I heard from Mother Nyx that Hypnos' wife was taking over the library. And I realized I haven't induced myself yet. I'm Zagreus.

"My name is Y/N and I would shake your hand but…" You held up your hands, covered in dust and grime. 

"Of course. If you ever need anything, just let me know." Zagreus' mismatched eyes studied your face as he said it.

"Thank you, Prince Zagreus. Dusa has been an amazing help already."  You tilted your head to Dusa who blushed.

"O-oh it is not a problem! I'm happy to help!" Dusa murmured.

"Dusa is amazing isn't she? Our hardest worker for sure." Zagreus praised, he sounded so proud of her. 

"Oh oh my, excuse me! I- I need to get cleaned up." Dusa rushed out, her blush visible even with the dust

"Oh dear." Zagreus said. "We might have been a bit much. But it is good that she hears it. Goodness knows Father doesn't understand how hard she works for this house."

You weren't quite sure what to say. You didn't want to take sides yet or ever if it can be avoided. You have seen too many times what happens when two gods get into a fight with each other. 

"You'll have to forgive me but Dusa is right. A hot bath sounds like a dream right now." You smiled at him, glad for the excuse. 

"Of course! I will leave you to it, Y/N!" Zagreus nodded and waved goodbye as he left.

You sighed. Hopefully this room will be worth the trouble.

🌙💤💤🌙

You couldn't remember the last time you felt so relaxed. There was nothing like a hot bath, you mused.

You tore off a part of the warm bread and popped it into your mouth. You eyed the pomegranate but went for the olive. Save the best for last you thought.

You laid on top of the covers, feeling like the most spoiled being alive. You went for another olive.

 

What a day.  But at least you were moving forward and now there was a job for you to do. 

inevitably, you thought about Hypnos. He was still at work, you last heard. You knew he slept on the job but that wasn't a rest. Not really. 

You thought about what he said before. How being more powerful than your sisters. No one ever said that, why would they? It is clear what the gods liked. 

Hermes may have the only exception (at least until Hypnos) that enjoyed her powers but even then he never said what Hypnos did. 

Hermes had always pushed a little more, made her try harder to be a little more quick and clever. Your older brother in everything but blood. Hermes had been one of the few people You missed other than your sisters.

He did travel to the underworld sometimes. Maybe you could see him again. Give him letters for your sisters. 

Your eyes drifted closed, the dark red 

canopy were the last thing you saw before sleep overtook You. 

🌙💤💤🌙

There were sounds outside your door. You blinked at the candles by your bedside. They were much lower than before you went to sleep. The only sign that any time had passed at all.

You frowned at your door. It sounded like an argument. You stood and quietly walked to the door. You pressed your ear against it. 

But the bloody thing was so thick, you weren't sure what was being said. 

But you weren't going to just stand there especially after being woken up so rudely. You looked around your chambers for a weapon. Just in case.

You frowned when you realized there was nothing. You would just have to be ready to slam the doors.

With a deep breath, you pushed your bedchambers open. 

The two men outside went quiet. Hypnos and another man You didn't know stood before you.

"Great, just great. Now look at what you did." Hypnos snapped at the other man. 

"Me?" The man snapped back. He was about the same height as Hypnos but unlike Hypnos he wore only dark colors. His scythe loomed over all three as it gleamed even the candlelight. 

"Yes you!" Hypnos grumbled. He turned to You, his normal smile gone. And you couldn't help but notice how much deeper the black circles have gotten. 

"Y/N, I'm sorry. You will have to forgive us for our lack of manners. You can go back to sleep now." Hypnos turned back to the man. "Brother, I think our 'little talk' is done for now. You should be getting back to work right?" Hypnos' tone was sharp.

You didn't realize he could sound like that. Also brother? 

The man frowned, and looked at You then at Hypnos.

"Fine, but you have a duty to the house. You need to grow up at some point." 

Then he turned on his foot and walked away. 

Once he was out of sight, Hypnos sighed as he looked at you. He was floating, the candles highlighted his face.

"I didn't know you had a brother." You stepped out of your bedchambers. You were only in a draped linen gown, a little inappropriate but you were too curious not to know.

"Two brothers, Thanatos and Charon. You just 'met' my twin, Thanatos." Hypnos said.

You could hear the exhaustion in his voice and your heart twisted. You will ask more about his brothers later. 

"Have you gotten any sleep?" You felt silly asking the god of sleep if he got any rest.  But those dark circles were all the proof you needed.

"Sure, I fall asleep on all time especially on the job!" Hypnos' smiled meanly, his hands spread out in a mock shrug.

"I mean real sleep." You crossed your arms. "Surely, the naps you take aren't enough." 

Almost out of nowhere, a thought came. 

"Wait, what exactly are you doing when you napping?" You asked. 

Hypnos raised an eyebrow and silent took over.

"Does it matter?" He finally responded. 

"It matters. At least to me." You didn't know what to make of this whole argument. There was something you were missing but you don't know what.

Hypnos was silent as he stopped floating. He walked closer, his light golden eyes not leaving your own eyes. You resisted stepping back, staying in place with your arms crossed. You cursed how warm you felt when Hypnos stopped in front of you. 

"My brother is the God of Death. He gets those last few minutes of a human's life. Unbelievably terrifying for those poor humans I imagine." Hypnos leaned forward, his hand pressed against the wall, next to your waist. 

You could feel a blush crawl up your neck and cheeks. "And what do you get?" You asked, hating the small tremble in your voice. 

"One third. Sometimes more than that. Slowly over the years. When I sleep, I can go to humans and give them sleep or take away any sleep they want." 

 

Hypnos' eyes were beautiful and you felt so exposed.

"So you haven't been getting much real sleep at all." You said, tearing your eyes away. On impulse, you reached up to touch the obol. You heard his breath hitched. 

You had to put a stop to this. Or you would do something very foolish.

"Right then come along." You grabbed his wrist and pulled him into your bedchamber.

"Ah…" Hypnos sounded unsure. 

"You need some sleep. I can't trust that you will if I leave you alone in your bedroom." Your blush was getting worse.  "Also I doubt I will be able to get any more sleep. So I'm just going to keep an eye on you while I finish up some letters." 

You cleared off the bed and gestured towards your bed. 

Hypnos just stood there. "You don't-"

You waved his words away. "No one will bother you in here, so just try to get a nap in." 

You sat down at your desk, feeling very foolish. You grabbed a blank paper and started writing down tasks for the library.

You heard Hypnos moved around and settled in your bed. You thought you heard him murmured something but didn't turned around to look. 

 

Eventually you heard his soft breathing. This time you did look. He didn't get under the cover but did take one of the pillows and was on the opposite side you slept on. 

If anyone asked why you allowed this, you just say you were helping your husband as a wife should.

Nothing more, nothing less.

You nodded, and tried not to think how your heart fluttered earlier.

🌙💤💤🌙

Your eyes blinked open. Frowning in confusion, you looked down at your papers.  A blanket slipped off your shoulders and pooled around your feet. 

Last night ( or day) memories flooded back. You had fell asleep at your desk. 

You turned to look at your bed but Hypnos was gone. You didn't like how disappointed you felt. No need for that for that, you scolded yourself. You grapped the blanket to return it. 

 

Only when you got closer, did you see what Hypnos left behind. 

On the bed, a bottle of nectar and a note was tucked under the bottle.

'Thanks.' No name or anything, not that You needed one. 

 

There was however a picture of an smiling face next to it.

"Oh Hypnos." You laughed. 

Oh...

Oh dear what have You gotten yourself into to?

🌙💤💤🌙

[disabled-dragoon]

I'm not sure if you're the right person to ask, but last year (I'm in school) I had a lot of trouble with my disability(I don't feel comfortable disclosing)- not because of me, but rather the way my teachers treated me & my accommodations. School starts in two weeks and I'm scared it's gonna go like it did last year. The administration didn't want to do anything and my caseworker left. Do you have any advice?

If not, I hope you have a great day. You're a really wonderful person.

I'm not sure I'm the right person either but as someone who's been in this position, I'll do my best!

One thing my mother taught me, having gone through this with both myself and my brother, is to make yourself heard- don't stop shouting about it until someone listens to you about your needs. Take it to the highest chain of command you can access- if you feel comfortable doing so, of course- and know your rights! Most often than not disability is a "protected characteristic", meaning it is illegal to knowingly discriminate against it (i.e. denying an accommodation even if it's perfectly simple to implement). If you feel they're willingly ignoring your accommodations and needs, you could report them to education boards (beyond the administration board) on this basis.

But I know that this is not always possible, and it can take a while even if it is. Most schools often preach accessibility but it's only the bare bones, and they struggle to handle the needs of anyone with a disability they deem too "complex". It means we're left to work it out ourselves, and it sucks, I know, but sometimes that's our only option.

If that is the case, find someone who you trust, who you know will listen to you, and confide in them. If it's someone in a position of power, i.e. a trustworthy teacher, they may even be able to do something about it. Plus, just having a friend in your corner can really help to ease the anxiety these situations cause, even if it's just for a little bit.

If you trust your parents, guardians or another older family member you are close with, try and broach the issue to them and see if they could help with the situation and fight your corner.

Also, maybe try and get a doctor or medical professional- one you know and trust- to write to them about it. It can take a while and I can't guarantee it will work, but it could be a great help. My consultant had to write to both my junior and secondary school several times before they listened, but just having his letters and support documented helped some of the issues we had with them. It can also help to have your own hard copies of things like this, as well as a copy of any formal support/accommodation plan you have.

And try and have a look where you can put accommodations in yourself if they still won't adhere to them. Little things can make a big difference. Like, I used to hold onto friends and things when walking from class to class or if I had to go up stairs before I was able to have my accommodations implemented. It's not the most ideal substitute but sometimes doing it yourself is the only way to get it done.

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I know this is incredibly frustrating to deal with and I'm sorry you have to go through it. Your fear is totally understandable and it's wrong that they feel they can treat you this way. This may not be the advice you were looking for, but I hope it can help you to some degree, and I wish you all the best for this next year!